Needful Things

Last night Doug and I had a fight/talk about how I feel when he ignores things I write to him. Anyway, the basic vibe that came out is that I'm "needy". My first thought was to argue against that but what's the point? Yeah, I am needy for affirmation of love. What's so terrible about that? Furthermore, who can blame me? Let's digest some events which could have caused that, shall we?

First, my childhood was miserable most days. My parents never said they loved me, especially my mom. The few times she showed me love, it disappeared the next day and I was treated poorly or beaten. Even in my earliest years, I learned that love is a temporary emotion and can disappear just as fast as it appeared.  All it takes is one argument, one fight, one false move to piss the other party off...and it's gone, regardless...

Relationships, well....every guy I've dated except for Mark has cheated on me (or attempted) whether it be physically or emotionally (real and online). These very same guys have ALL declared their love for me, promised to love me forever, even married me. Once again, in my mind, it just demonstrates that love can be here today but all it takes for it to vanish is for a woman hotter than me to show up on the scene.

In my current relationship, I'm just not sure Doug knows just how badly wounded I was by the lying. When someone lies to you, it's hard to ever really trust that what they tell you is 100% truth, no matter how hard you want to believe it. So even with "I love you", I ask because I need to know that TODAY, AT THAT MOMENT, it's the truth. It's how he feels.

 But why is it such a sin to want to take care of one's heart? Why is it a crime to want to be loved?  I didn't choose to be this way....I'm the product of those I trusted. I am what happens when others are careless in their words and deeds. It sucks. It sucks. It's miserable to feel as if love can disappear with the wind. But it can...I know it does. I've lived through it. I still remember the note Greg wrote to me in Rome, making huge declarations of love and committment, but a month later he was emailing Shannon and three months later he wanted a divorce. So when someone wonders why it is that I need to hear I love you, to see I love you......well I shouldn't have to freakin' explain...if it's what I need, why can't I have it? I'm not asking to go buy drugs, I am not asking for money to fly around the world, I am not asking for something that is impossible to deliver. I'm not demanding an act that is illegal, immoral, or unethical. I'm just asking for a little reassurance that I'm not going to be cast aside, abandoned, hurt. The odd thing....I could spend every day telling the people I love that I love them. I'd be happy to do it. Why can't you?

But I do hate that I'm seen in a negative way...a pathetic way. It's not what I wanted. Not at all. I feel badly that I'm not perfect and what was dreamt about, imagined. I coould try to pretend...