So today is my first week of no school and it's starting out on a high note. I slept in until 8AM and then went to the gym. I got in an incredible workout that I will pay for later...I'm already sore so I can only imagine what I will feel like later. I plan on going back this afternoon for an ab class. Initially I thought I'd get in a run too but I just don't think my quads are going to allow it. I'm doing well though. I've lost several pounds around my belly and my arms are looking good.
Last night was scary. Trooper vomited up a million peach pits. He is addicted to peaches and gorged himself from my dad's tree last night but had to pay the piper at 4AM. I am praying he doesn't get one stuck in his intestines. I can't afford surgery.
Bored without Doug. Not only is he my husband but he is my best friend and it's hard to adjust to doing things solo. I'm so used to having him around for things. It's not that I can't take care of myself...I can. I'm completely self sufficient but I would love to have him around for movies, hikes, geocaches, and just snuggle time. I miss him! :(
I've been very excited about food lately. Read a great book called In the Defense of Food which discusses how most of the stuff we buy and eat from stores isn't even really food; instead, it's food product. It's crap that has been engineered. It's really changed the way I view food and it's changed my diet a lot. I've always been a big fan of supporting local agriculture and believe in the concept of getting your food from 100 miles or less. Growing up with a farming dad and grandparents really taught me a lot about agriculture so I remain fascinated with it. I'd like to start going to more farmer's markets and maybe even participate in a CSA. I also would like to start eating meat that doesn't come from feeder lots (cruel and disgusting).
Okay, I'm so tired, that even typing this makes my triceps hurt so I'm off!
What to do?
What does one do when they cannot reconcile their heart with their head? I'm being torn into pieces. The pain of it sucks away all happiness and I wonder why it is that I constantly live this scenario over and over. What did I do that condemned me to this? The lies, the pain, the heartache...when does it finally come to an end?
Needful Things
Last night Doug and I had a fight/talk about how I feel when he ignores things I write to him. Anyway, the basic vibe that came out is that I'm "needy". My first thought was to argue against that but what's the point? Yeah, I am needy for affirmation of love. What's so terrible about that? Furthermore, who can blame me? Let's digest some events which could have caused that, shall we?
First, my childhood was miserable most days. My parents never said they loved me, especially my mom. The few times she showed me love, it disappeared the next day and I was treated poorly or beaten. Even in my earliest years, I learned that love is a temporary emotion and can disappear just as fast as it appeared. All it takes is one argument, one fight, one false move to piss the other party off...and it's gone, regardless...
Relationships, well....every guy I've dated except for Mark has cheated on me (or attempted) whether it be physically or emotionally (real and online). These very same guys have ALL declared their love for me, promised to love me forever, even married me. Once again, in my mind, it just demonstrates that love can be here today but all it takes for it to vanish is for a woman hotter than me to show up on the scene.
In my current relationship, I'm just not sure Doug knows just how badly wounded I was by the lying. When someone lies to you, it's hard to ever really trust that what they tell you is 100% truth, no matter how hard you want to believe it. So even with "I love you", I ask because I need to know that TODAY, AT THAT MOMENT, it's the truth. It's how he feels.
But why is it such a sin to want to take care of one's heart? Why is it a crime to want to be loved? I didn't choose to be this way....I'm the product of those I trusted. I am what happens when others are careless in their words and deeds. It sucks. It sucks. It's miserable to feel as if love can disappear with the wind. But it can...I know it does. I've lived through it. I still remember the note Greg wrote to me in Rome, making huge declarations of love and committment, but a month later he was emailing Shannon and three months later he wanted a divorce. So when someone wonders why it is that I need to hear I love you, to see I love you......well I shouldn't have to freakin' explain...if it's what I need, why can't I have it? I'm not asking to go buy drugs, I am not asking for money to fly around the world, I am not asking for something that is impossible to deliver. I'm not demanding an act that is illegal, immoral, or unethical. I'm just asking for a little reassurance that I'm not going to be cast aside, abandoned, hurt. The odd thing....I could spend every day telling the people I love that I love them. I'd be happy to do it. Why can't you?
But I do hate that I'm seen in a negative way...a pathetic way. It's not what I wanted. Not at all. I feel badly that I'm not perfect and what was dreamt about, imagined. I coould try to pretend...
First, my childhood was miserable most days. My parents never said they loved me, especially my mom. The few times she showed me love, it disappeared the next day and I was treated poorly or beaten. Even in my earliest years, I learned that love is a temporary emotion and can disappear just as fast as it appeared. All it takes is one argument, one fight, one false move to piss the other party off...and it's gone, regardless...
Relationships, well....every guy I've dated except for Mark has cheated on me (or attempted) whether it be physically or emotionally (real and online). These very same guys have ALL declared their love for me, promised to love me forever, even married me. Once again, in my mind, it just demonstrates that love can be here today but all it takes for it to vanish is for a woman hotter than me to show up on the scene.
In my current relationship, I'm just not sure Doug knows just how badly wounded I was by the lying. When someone lies to you, it's hard to ever really trust that what they tell you is 100% truth, no matter how hard you want to believe it. So even with "I love you", I ask because I need to know that TODAY, AT THAT MOMENT, it's the truth. It's how he feels.
But why is it such a sin to want to take care of one's heart? Why is it a crime to want to be loved? I didn't choose to be this way....I'm the product of those I trusted. I am what happens when others are careless in their words and deeds. It sucks. It sucks. It's miserable to feel as if love can disappear with the wind. But it can...I know it does. I've lived through it. I still remember the note Greg wrote to me in Rome, making huge declarations of love and committment, but a month later he was emailing Shannon and three months later he wanted a divorce. So when someone wonders why it is that I need to hear I love you, to see I love you......well I shouldn't have to freakin' explain...if it's what I need, why can't I have it? I'm not asking to go buy drugs, I am not asking for money to fly around the world, I am not asking for something that is impossible to deliver. I'm not demanding an act that is illegal, immoral, or unethical. I'm just asking for a little reassurance that I'm not going to be cast aside, abandoned, hurt. The odd thing....I could spend every day telling the people I love that I love them. I'd be happy to do it. Why can't you?
But I do hate that I'm seen in a negative way...a pathetic way. It's not what I wanted. Not at all. I feel badly that I'm not perfect and what was dreamt about, imagined. I coould try to pretend...
The Winter of my Discontent...lol
I feel discontented tonight. Can't explain it. Just the feeling that I need something more in my life. More excitement. Sometimes I worry my life will pass me by without ever feeling the sort of excitement, adventure,and contentment I yearn for. When will that come, I wonder? Lately I think a lot about "what would have happened had I chosen this instead of that?" type thoughts. Probably not productive but so true. I don't want life to become routine and I fear it might or even has. The bottomline is that what I want in life, I have not achieved and it leaves me hungry for it even more. I want to substitute what is comfortable for what will bring me lasting happiness but that takes courage. I just want so much more of everything in life. More travel, more romance, more experience...just more.
Tonight I took Trooper on a LONG walk. Left him tired and me as well. But at least he isn't trying to eat me ;)
Reading more. I enjoy it. It relaxes me, clears my mind. I'm looking forward to this weekend. It's an extra long day and I can devote much time to just relaxing, reading, and socializing with some friends.
Oh yeah...kind of bummed out about a bird I saw. A robin was sitting in the road, not moving, not dodging traffic. I wanted to stop but was in a hurry. On the way back through, it was smashed. Someone had hit it. I can only suppose that it was stunned and perhaps I could have saved it's life had I stopped. It hurts my heart a little to think my time was more valuable to me than that little bird's life. Realistically, it probably would have died anyway ( probably stunned by a car) but just knowing I didn't do anything to try doesn't sit well. Yeah, yeah, it's just a bird...but I'm just a human.
Btw, it's cold. Bitterly cold. I hate Winter. It's pretty to look at but miserable to feel. All of my muscles are clinched in a desperate attempt to keep me warm. Winter, you can exit stage left. Now. Right now.
Tonight I took Trooper on a LONG walk. Left him tired and me as well. But at least he isn't trying to eat me ;)
Reading more. I enjoy it. It relaxes me, clears my mind. I'm looking forward to this weekend. It's an extra long day and I can devote much time to just relaxing, reading, and socializing with some friends.
Oh yeah...kind of bummed out about a bird I saw. A robin was sitting in the road, not moving, not dodging traffic. I wanted to stop but was in a hurry. On the way back through, it was smashed. Someone had hit it. I can only suppose that it was stunned and perhaps I could have saved it's life had I stopped. It hurts my heart a little to think my time was more valuable to me than that little bird's life. Realistically, it probably would have died anyway ( probably stunned by a car) but just knowing I didn't do anything to try doesn't sit well. Yeah, yeah, it's just a bird...but I'm just a human.
Btw, it's cold. Bitterly cold. I hate Winter. It's pretty to look at but miserable to feel. All of my muscles are clinched in a desperate attempt to keep me warm. Winter, you can exit stage left. Now. Right now.
New Year, New Blog Entry
Once again I am deciding to blog. Here it is:
So I want to begin by saying that I have started a new resolution to read more. Lately I've slacked off and feel dumber for it. Right now I am reading Child 44. It's set in the Soviet Union and so far, very good. Next on my list is Shanghai Girls. My friend Erica is letting me borrow it. Supposedly it's excellent as well! My goal is to read at least two books a month. I think that is MORE than reasonable especially if I keep the t.v. turned off.
Trooper: poop looks as if it's returning to normal. I really hope so. I hope he settles down too, manner wise. He acts like a kangaroo around people. I need to start socializing him ASAP. As soon as he gets his last shots.....Back to the poop, I think I am traumatized from it all. I hope I return to a sense of feeling secure that I won't be running outside every hour, every night. It really messed with my mental and physical well being.
I've been going to church and it's been excellent. This past sermon was on Toxic Relationships and I got a lot out of it. It has given me a lot to think about. I wish Doug could have been there because I think he would have gotten a lot out of it too. There was one thing in particular that stood out to me.
So January is shaping up to be a fun month and I have a lot planned. This past weekend was a lot of fun and going forward, I have many social events in the works. I plan to go to the Home and Garden Show with Angela, to Rocky's house for a party, out to eat with some friends of mine, and maybe even to a show to see a band play with some friends. I'm really trying to make an effort to do more, socially speaking. I feel like I've wrapped up every weekend with going to Cville but it feels nice to relax, hang out in Roanoke, and hang out with friends and do fun things. Sometimes I feel as if I have few friends but the fact is, lots of people want to do things with me, I just never do it! Big change in 2011.
Can't wait for warmer weather so I can run. I've jogged a bit with Trooper and I realize I miss doing it, even though I did it only for a short time!
Okay that is it, blog. I will try to keep up more often. :)
So I want to begin by saying that I have started a new resolution to read more. Lately I've slacked off and feel dumber for it. Right now I am reading Child 44. It's set in the Soviet Union and so far, very good. Next on my list is Shanghai Girls. My friend Erica is letting me borrow it. Supposedly it's excellent as well! My goal is to read at least two books a month. I think that is MORE than reasonable especially if I keep the t.v. turned off.
Trooper: poop looks as if it's returning to normal. I really hope so. I hope he settles down too, manner wise. He acts like a kangaroo around people. I need to start socializing him ASAP. As soon as he gets his last shots.....Back to the poop, I think I am traumatized from it all. I hope I return to a sense of feeling secure that I won't be running outside every hour, every night. It really messed with my mental and physical well being.
I've been going to church and it's been excellent. This past sermon was on Toxic Relationships and I got a lot out of it. It has given me a lot to think about. I wish Doug could have been there because I think he would have gotten a lot out of it too. There was one thing in particular that stood out to me.
So January is shaping up to be a fun month and I have a lot planned. This past weekend was a lot of fun and going forward, I have many social events in the works. I plan to go to the Home and Garden Show with Angela, to Rocky's house for a party, out to eat with some friends of mine, and maybe even to a show to see a band play with some friends. I'm really trying to make an effort to do more, socially speaking. I feel like I've wrapped up every weekend with going to Cville but it feels nice to relax, hang out in Roanoke, and hang out with friends and do fun things. Sometimes I feel as if I have few friends but the fact is, lots of people want to do things with me, I just never do it! Big change in 2011.
Can't wait for warmer weather so I can run. I've jogged a bit with Trooper and I realize I miss doing it, even though I did it only for a short time!
Okay that is it, blog. I will try to keep up more often. :)
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